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Tentative Searches

I have identified as demisexual for about a year now. Originally I felt relived feeling that I finally had words to talk about myself... but lately (having few fellow demis to talk with) I have been feeling a lack in peace I once had concerning my sexuality. I posted this in the lonerwolf thread just yesterday:

"I think of sex and it just makes me… sad. I love the idea of kissing, but I don’t know that I have ever enjoyed kissing anyone. I have been aroused by thoughts, or from pictures of half naked (note the HALF part) men. Stranger still, I find the idea of men being in love with each other sexy. Maybe I have just spent too much time in the shoes of a gay guy (long story). At the same time, sex on TV or in movies makes me so uncomfortable I start feeling sick. I have been identifying for about a year as a demisexual straight female, but some times I don’t know. I am totally female (though there are times I wish I had been a boy, I don’t want to change that at all), its the rest I wonder about. Demis are viewed as more asexual or at least being under that umbrella. Thing is I DO have plenty of sexual drive- even just seeing someone across the room. I can see a guy (like those half naked ones I mentioned before) and think “Oh god- I wanna have his babies… ALL OF THEM!” its just…. maybe I only think I do. Maybe what I want is to just be in love, but I’d prefer it to be with someone attractive to me. So I guess…. since its a spectrum and everything I m allowed to say that I am a demi who likes pretty guys? That I am a demi who loves muscles and, hell, even women’s hips now and then (we are pretty hot)? I guess… I haven’t fit in for so long…. I don’t really know how to so even in the Demisexual community I haven’t connected because I don’t want to find that I am still alone."

The response I got was that I am not what I feel I am. I don't blame the person, but it hurt my feelings as someone who was hoping to hear something encouraging. It sort of puts me off trying to connect with others over sexuality, but I know community is important. I fit with a lot of the Demi definition, only now and then I think someone is hot and I like looking at them ( note I say LOOKING). If I were in a room with the hottest guy I could think of I would vomit before I could make out with him. The idea of casual sex- even casual make out sessions makes me feel ill. That doesn't mean I don't like looking at people. Am I just still a freak then? Maybe demis are legit and I really am just broken? I am really hoping to connect with someone and gain some sort of peace back on this.

Demisexual with a Sexual Partner


My partner is Heterosexual and I am pretty sure I am demisexual. I've been trying to understand the idea of casual sexual attraction. I imagine seeing people as sexually attractive in almost any setting as very overwhelming and distressing. We are very open with each other but it turns my stomach a bit when she talks about a hot guy in some context (saw at the store, or an actor's picture online) I'm not the jealous type, so i just don't understand these feelings and hope maybe someone can give a good anecdote or example of how casual sexual attraction feels :/.

Because to me sexual attraction is like BIG and it's jarring to have her tell me about all these other people she thinks are hot and/or she would enjoy sex with them. I trust her completely but I think it would alleviate my stomach to understand her attraction better because I know she's not about to run around on me, but my stomach doesn't seem to get it.

thanks in advance :)

Variations on Demisexual?

So, I happened to come across this term, and immediately recognized that there was a lot of truth in it for me, but I can't find a term for what I'd call 100% accurate. To my understanding it means that an emotional connection precedes strong physical attraction, but for me it is more a matter of a spiritual connection preceding an emotional connection, preceding strong physical attraction. Does anyone know if a term for Spiritual>Emotional>Physical exists?

Looking for a Mate

I only just found livejournal a few minutes ago, so I'm not really sure what the etiquette is on this site. Sorry if it's in bad taste to make a post just about wanting to find a girlfriend. That's probably the only reason I would ever use this site, because I don't really identify as a demisexual (although I certainly fit the description) so I'm not really interested in a community.

I have numerous issues getting close to potential partners, but I think being demisexual might be the biggest issue, so I figured I would try looking for other demisexuals. The next biggest issue is probably that I am kind of asocial, in that I don't enjoy doing things with other people that I would not also enjoy doing alone, and that I usually don't care about anything that does not require direct engagement. So between those two things, that means I don't care about spectator sports, gossip, knowing things about cars, TV (it difficult for me to be passively entertained), bars, restaurants, etc. On a date I would enjoy doing things like canoeing, horseback riding, climbing, visiting a park or museum, or having a conversation about some topic that I or my partner is knowledgeable about.

So as you might be able to guess from the above description, I have never “clicked” with anybody, and I don't expect to. I don't expect to be understood by anybody either, even if you've known me for a long time. But I would like to have some sort of reliable female person in my life who accepts me, and with whom I can do cool things, and have interesting conversations. So I'm hoping some woman on this site will PM me, and that we will chat, and get to know each other better, and then meet in person, and then form a relationship, etc, etc. But naturally PMing me isn't a commitment to anything, 'cause we might not be compatible. Probably at the start of the relationship I would act like I was asexual, but I am capable of becoming maddeningly horny around people I feel comfortable with (if I liked you, I would probably insist on sleeping in a different room unless you were willing to have sex, because otherwise I could not sleep). I think this confused my first partner, so she thought that I was trying to manipulate her into having sex, and she dumped me a week after telling me that she loved me. I was very confused and it hurt me a lot, and that, among other experiences, has made me kind of sore with respect to trying to fall in love again, so please be patient. I don't really enjoy flirting the way most people do it either (one reason is that women usually start to play hard-to-get before I even know enough about her to decide whether I am willing to work that hard to get her). And it is absolutely necessary that you make your intentions and expectations clear at all times! Please don't make me guess!

I am an engineering student now (I think it is a lot of fun), and I will graduate in about a year and a half, and if I meet somebody I would like to live with by that time, then I'd be willing to move to most places within the western world in order to be with her. However, I'd prefer to meet in person at least once before doing that.

Women in the real world always expect me to do all the work, so I'm afraid that maybe no woman will message me even if I managed to make myself attractive. But can you please just take a chance if I seem at least tolerably suitable? How are you supposed to find your soul-mate if you live your life letting other people guess what you want? I'll consider anybody who PM's me, but I'd prefer an introverted lady roughly my own age in possession of a healthy body. I think women with special interests or skills are hawt, so if you have one of those, monologuing about it in a PM would be an acceptable way of beginning a conversation.

Appearance-wise, I'm 5' 10” (178cm), have long, thick, brown hair, greenish eyes, and weigh around 180lb. I'm more fit than most people who aren't athletes, but less fit than most people who do call themselves athletes. My understanding is that I'm kind of hot, but that's based on how girls treat me (they usually seem to like me better before I open my mouth).

Not sure if I'm Demisexual or not.

Like the title says, I'm not sure if I am or not? I mean I believe I am, but looking more into the sexuality itself I'm a bit overwhelmed, if not confused, with the information at hand. If I am for certain, does it have to be specified as one of the following "Demiheterosexual" "Demibiromantic" or even "Demihomosexual" etc etc because I am sure you get the point or what I am getting at.

I like to think I know what Demisexual mean and what it means to be Demisexual. Though I'm just curious in to do I need to be more specific with it when telling my Sexual orientation. Which I am reading is made from both the sexuality you are along with your attraction.

That's pretty much it.

Heteroromantic demisexual

Does that even make sense...? So, reading more about this, I can relate to being a demisexual. But since demisexual is on the asexual scale, and I don't see guys I like in a sexual situation until I do get really close to them that would that make me heteroromantic instead of heterosexual, right...?

I'm still looking into this asexual gray-A thing.
I think I have a bit of a clue, but I don't know if I know enough to identify myself as demisexual. I am a heterosexual female, but I realized I never had sexual attractions to any males. Of course I see very attractive males- celebrity, fictional, and I've had past crushes, but there wasn't a feeling that I had to get in his pants. I even feel weird thinking about any man that would fit in the three categories in some sort of sexual fantasy. It's just weird to sexually fantasize about someone you don't know- especially emotionally. There had to be a strong emotional connection before I was comfortable or if I thought I would enjoy it, but I've never met a person like that. Like there has to be a spiritual connection or something. I thought that was the "not having sex before marriage thing" but I'm not really sure. Never really saw myself as asexual, either... But being a virgin, I don't know how I really would feel if I did have sex with someone I wasn't emotionally attached to. Though, I feel that I would maybe only semi enjoy it, because of the physical feeling, but I won't be completely in the moment, so it may just be... not the best feeling in the world, just meh compared to having a sexual relationship with someone I am completely attached to. And not just sex- cuddling, kissing- that, too.

Sorry if I was rambling on a bit here.


Also a thing on crushes. While I can spot out attractive males, I noticed now that I liked them a bit more than their looks. It's just that looks is what I notices first... For example, when I do see an attractive male, but there is nothing else, I really don't pay attention, but if he is nice to me, mentions me, etc (which is not often), I develop a kind of crush. When I think about a crush, it's never sexual- in some sort of weird fantasy, we're just cuddling, talking, sleeping in the same bed (and by sleeping, I mean JUST sleeping... not a code work for sex). I seem to want to be the one comforting him, and in some days he comforts me. I guess kissing is in there, but we still have to have some kind of connection (just not as deep when in a sexual relationship). Also, my crushes never last that long. I hear of crushes that last for years, and to me, it sounds like some kind of drama TV thing. The longest mine had ever lasted was a year and that was because they were in one of my classes for the full year. It's not like they do anything that repulses me... I just... move on... and strangely, I found that I am rather resilient. I was so nervous in asking one of my crushes out, that I had to get his number from talking to someone who got it from someone else. But when I did get his number, the conversation went like this:

Me: So, I was wondering if we could hang out some time?
Him: *basically declines, but says it in a way that he's not rejecting me straightforwardly* (just say no JFC)
Me: OK (and then I asked him if we had homework due tomorrow.)

And literally seconds after that, I got over him. Actually, I haven't thought about him until I was writing this. Is that weird to anyone? I know some friends who burst into tears after rejection, but for me it's like, "Lol, OK, going to go watch some Doctor Who, now." Strangely, I still get nervous wanting to ask a guy out. But, right now, I don't really have anyone I like :P.

Now that I think about it, I find being in a sexual relationship with a high school crush would be weird >_>... In order to have actual loving sex, and not just lust where it's all in my head, and not my heart, my partner and I would have to be in this moirail relationship first (sorry to go all Homestuck on you), then we kind of go into a romantic relationship.

Moirail: Your soul mate in a non-romantic sense. You cannot live without this person; they complete you. They balance you. You would be lost forever without them. Moirails are not just "best friends". It's so much more than that. Moirail is the ultimate bond that you can feel with someone.

(By the way, am I the only one who sees that cupping or holding a woman's breast while cuddling as not that sexual...? I mean, if I were in a moirail-like relationship, my partner could have his hand on my breast, and I wouldn't think anything sexual of it. And if I were clothed or bare-chested, it'd still be the same. Maybe that feeling would change if we were in a more romantic/sexual relationship.... I don't know, yet.)