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New to this World and in Need of Guidance

I am a 23 year old male who just recently discovered that there was such a thing as demisexuality and have eagerly adopted this term to describe my sexuality. Learning about this concept of demisexuality has helped me understand much of my past and make me feel like less of a cold, emotionless freak. Here's my sob-story: I met this girl at work about four and a half years ago, and we just started off as friends. Honestly, I had initially written her off as just another pretty face who is slightly more bearable to be around than the rest. About 6 months into our friendship, I realized that I was hopelessly in love with this girl. It wasn't an overnight thing, but it all happened rapidly enough for it to get out of hand. Even though I thought she was the most perfect human being I could ever hope to meet and everyone who saw us together thought that we were made for each other, she rejected me every step along this four year emotionally taxing journey. I did everything I could think of to prove my feelings to her over the years, only to be shot down every time. Hearing that she saw me as more of a brother was something that was hard to deal with. I truly tried my hardest to get over her, several times in fact, but I found that it was impossible to do as long as she wanted to hang out as friends. The worst of it was when she got a boyfriend a couple of years ago (who she kept for all of 1 week) and I found myself so shattered that I was unable to sleep or eat for that week. Prior to learning about demisexuality, I would often see myself as some creepy stalker who just can't take no for an answer, and thinking that about myself was depressing, to say the least.

My feelings towards her were never really sexual in nature. Sure, I would entertain my baser desires from time to time (I'm only human), but the extent of my fantasies about her usually involved me and her laying in bed (fully clothed and above the sheets) eating junk food and watching Star Trek while we argue over who the better captain is. Being alone with her for all of five minutes would usually be the high point of any given day, even if we were sitting 20 feet apart. Sex wasn't, and still isn't, something I really wanted from her, though holding each other and kissing sounds like the perfect level of physical intimacy I would want from a relationship with her. Still, I found the idea of being with anyone other than her to be impossible, that we were destined to be together forever. Though I tried to get over her by limiting our interactions to an absolute minimum (we still had to work together), making eye contact would be enough to rekindle the fire that I was desperate to put out.

Now, here's the real kicker; fast forward to just yesterday and she reveals to me that she has begun to identify not only asexual but aromantic as well. Her "boyfriend" was more or less her just trying things out, even though she couldn't really feel any meaningful connection in the end. She described to me what a relief it is to know that there were terms to describe people like her. I had always held on to this tiny thread of hope that there was some combination of words or some grand gesture waiting for me to discover that would win her heart, so learning that everything I had done over these four years was a complete waste of time, money, and effort has left me feeling lost and so completely helpless.

This cruel irony that I should find myself only able to be attracted to someone who can never return my feelings has taken a toll on my mental well-being. I need to know if anyone else out there has had similar experiences and how you got through them. Since I'm new to this world of demisexuality, I want to know if there is a way to keep our friendship while also putting an end to these feelings for her, or if my romantic attraction to her will only go away if the platonic connection that started this whole mess were to end and remain buried. I don't think it's fair to her that I should put an end a meaningful (though turbulent) friendship just so I could have a shot at not feeling so hopeless and alone, but don't I deserve a chance at being happy?
Thank you for hearing my dilemma and sticking with me until the end.

Venting about a broken heart or something.

Hi all!

Well, a bit about me, I'm 22 male demisexual(?), sex drive wise, it comes and goes. I'm extremely curiosity about sex but I'd never want to do the act with someone I didn't truly love.

I belong to a broken household, arranged marriage always fighting over nothing, passed off as a youth to be raised by randoms due to long work hours, so I don't really get on well with my folks yet somehow their traditionalism has influenced me; I am inclined to pursue girls and play house until death parts me.
(No need to feel pity, I've never been growing up any other way so chaos just seems normal to me).

So, it's been 3 weeks since my relationship broke down, she somewhat cheated and realised that she was in love with another. I don't believe in the heart having a mind of its own or soul or anything like that but it's a horrible physical pain in my chest. Although my mind has forgiven her, my heart has not.

Sorry, a bit more back story to this, I've known her for 5 years, 2 of which I never even realised that I liked her, so for that third year, I was utterly infatuated. It was a build up of positive emotions when we were friends before, but after the third year I could no longer hold in my feelings, I scheduled to meet when she'd be free, before and after her charity hitchhike but somehow she excused herself. The day of intended meeting was met with an adrenaline filled sleepless night, denying the meeting meant I told her over text, should have called, I loved her since I couldn't hold it in any longer; the urgency was palpable.

It was no relief and no closure in telling her, I couldn't bear it if she didn't love me; she would not say and couldn't be with me. I felt enslaved to belonging with her. So I enforced an embargo of contact, 8 months after she tired to reconnect and again, I was still lovesick so another 8 months until I vowed to end all contact during that time.

This time she stepped forward to find me, to prevent me from leaving her life.

We were casually dating long distance but there were times I convinced myself I would be with her forever. She has always wanted to travel and find herself. I was very liberal with dealing with freedom apart from fidelity. We barely had anything in common, but our minds were similar.
We became settled, played house for far too long, that when the distance became no matter our relationship was a mechanical routine. I stopped doing the things I usually did, stopped looking for fun, avoided spontaneity; all I wanted was to prolong the relationship, half the things we agreed not to do were in order to prevent a relationship supernova; we played boring relationship chicken.

She was my first love and in someways my last, I'm scared I'll never find anyone like her.
As an opportunist I regret not doing some great things together but as my first love, I sincerely hope she's happy.
I really needed this, I needed to tell her this but I don't want to talk to her again.

Thank you for reading everyone.

Aug. 29th, 2014

I discovered this community and the concept of demisexuality yesterday for the first time, and it felt like a light going on to finally have found something that describes my experience so exactly. I was wondering whether anyone in this group might like to be LJ friends; I would like to opportunity to get to know some people who are like me and get what it means to be demisexual, just for the feeling of not being so alone and not feeling such a freak compared to most of the more sexually normative people I know! I have some bio info in my profile, and am happy to answer any questions anyone has to determine whether they'd be interested in friending me or whether we wouldn't get on (e.g. for example I know some people don't like children/family posts and I am married and have three kids, so if mentions of family in daily life updates etc might annoy you, you might not wish to friend me etc).  

Depression After Sexual Things

Hi there all, I'm new to this website and this community, but I basically joined because I having recently realized I identify as a demisexual and wanted to see other people's stories and issues regarding it.

I do have a question though, does anyone expirence depression after sex or sexual acts? I've been dating the same person for over 2 years, and more often than not I get extremely depressed after we...yeah. Is this a demisexual issue? Or is something else? I hate the feeling, it causes me to break down to tears and physically shake (sometimes immieatly after, but usually not until I'm alone), but at the same time I don't want to say no to my boyfriend. Does anyone have any advice?

Tentative Searches

I have identified as demisexual for about a year now. Originally I felt relived feeling that I finally had words to talk about myself... but lately (having few fellow demis to talk with) I have been feeling a lack in peace I once had concerning my sexuality. I posted this in the lonerwolf thread just yesterday:

"I think of sex and it just makes me… sad. I love the idea of kissing, but I don’t know that I have ever enjoyed kissing anyone. I have been aroused by thoughts, or from pictures of half naked (note the HALF part) men. Stranger still, I find the idea of men being in love with each other sexy. Maybe I have just spent too much time in the shoes of a gay guy (long story). At the same time, sex on TV or in movies makes me so uncomfortable I start feeling sick. I have been identifying for about a year as a demisexual straight female, but some times I don’t know. I am totally female (though there are times I wish I had been a boy, I don’t want to change that at all), its the rest I wonder about. Demis are viewed as more asexual or at least being under that umbrella. Thing is I DO have plenty of sexual drive- even just seeing someone across the room. I can see a guy (like those half naked ones I mentioned before) and think “Oh god- I wanna have his babies… ALL OF THEM!” its just…. maybe I only think I do. Maybe what I want is to just be in love, but I’d prefer it to be with someone attractive to me. So I guess…. since its a spectrum and everything I m allowed to say that I am a demi who likes pretty guys? That I am a demi who loves muscles and, hell, even women’s hips now and then (we are pretty hot)? I guess… I haven’t fit in for so long…. I don’t really know how to so even in the Demisexual community I haven’t connected because I don’t want to find that I am still alone."

The response I got was that I am not what I feel I am. I don't blame the person, but it hurt my feelings as someone who was hoping to hear something encouraging. It sort of puts me off trying to connect with others over sexuality, but I know community is important. I fit with a lot of the Demi definition, only now and then I think someone is hot and I like looking at them ( note I say LOOKING). If I were in a room with the hottest guy I could think of I would vomit before I could make out with him. The idea of casual sex- even casual make out sessions makes me feel ill. That doesn't mean I don't like looking at people. Am I just still a freak then? Maybe demis are legit and I really am just broken? I am really hoping to connect with someone and gain some sort of peace back on this.

Demisexual with a Sexual Partner


My partner is Heterosexual and I am pretty sure I am demisexual. I've been trying to understand the idea of casual sexual attraction. I imagine seeing people as sexually attractive in almost any setting as very overwhelming and distressing. We are very open with each other but it turns my stomach a bit when she talks about a hot guy in some context (saw at the store, or an actor's picture online) I'm not the jealous type, so i just don't understand these feelings and hope maybe someone can give a good anecdote or example of how casual sexual attraction feels :/.

Because to me sexual attraction is like BIG and it's jarring to have her tell me about all these other people she thinks are hot and/or she would enjoy sex with them. I trust her completely but I think it would alleviate my stomach to understand her attraction better because I know she's not about to run around on me, but my stomach doesn't seem to get it.

thanks in advance :)

Variations on Demisexual?

So, I happened to come across this term, and immediately recognized that there was a lot of truth in it for me, but I can't find a term for what I'd call 100% accurate. To my understanding it means that an emotional connection precedes strong physical attraction, but for me it is more a matter of a spiritual connection preceding an emotional connection, preceding strong physical attraction. Does anyone know if a term for Spiritual>Emotional>Physical exists?

FINALLY, a term that applies

Hi everyone...

My name is Melissa. And OMG, I'm so excited to join this community because I JUST read about demisexuality like 10 minutes ago and I have SUCH a feeling of relief that there is a word to describe what I am!!!! My whole life, I've felt so out of place because I had these long term relationships with people some of which I was in love with and some of which I regarded as more like good friends and I hadn't really experienced sexual feelings for any of them. And then in just one instance of time in my life, I made a friend. It wasn't a romantic relationship but it wasn't completely casual either. We were dating and I liked him a lot (not love, cause I didn't know him long enough or well enough to love him) but anyway somehow, something in our interaction woke up those feelings for me and it was great. I was more sexual than I ever thought I could be. In fact, I thought that somehow we'd end up murdering each other with sex LOL. Anyway, he turned out to be a totally different person than I thought that he was and I was quite emotionally scarred by the end of it. I haven't had sex or dated since. Its going on 3 years now. Anyway... hi!!! I'd certainly like to friend people in this community so hollar at me if you feel so inclined.