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Venting about a broken heart or something.

Hi all!

Well, a bit about me, I'm 22 male demisexual(?), sex drive wise, it comes and goes. I'm extremely curiosity about sex but I'd never want to do the act with someone I didn't truly love.

I belong to a broken household, arranged marriage always fighting over nothing, passed off as a youth to be raised by randoms due to long work hours, so I don't really get on well with my folks yet somehow their traditionalism has influenced me; I am inclined to pursue girls and play house until death parts me.
(No need to feel pity, I've never been growing up any other way so chaos just seems normal to me).

So, it's been 3 weeks since my relationship broke down, she somewhat cheated and realised that she was in love with another. I don't believe in the heart having a mind of its own or soul or anything like that but it's a horrible physical pain in my chest. Although my mind has forgiven her, my heart has not.

Sorry, a bit more back story to this, I've known her for 5 years, 2 of which I never even realised that I liked her, so for that third year, I was utterly infatuated. It was a build up of positive emotions when we were friends before, but after the third year I could no longer hold in my feelings, I scheduled to meet when she'd be free, before and after her charity hitchhike but somehow she excused herself. The day of intended meeting was met with an adrenaline filled sleepless night, denying the meeting meant I told her over text, should have called, I loved her since I couldn't hold it in any longer; the urgency was palpable.

It was no relief and no closure in telling her, I couldn't bear it if she didn't love me; she would not say and couldn't be with me. I felt enslaved to belonging with her. So I enforced an embargo of contact, 8 months after she tired to reconnect and again, I was still lovesick so another 8 months until I vowed to end all contact during that time.

This time she stepped forward to find me, to prevent me from leaving her life.

We were casually dating long distance but there were times I convinced myself I would be with her forever. She has always wanted to travel and find herself. I was very liberal with dealing with freedom apart from fidelity. We barely had anything in common, but our minds were similar.
We became settled, played house for far too long, that when the distance became no matter our relationship was a mechanical routine. I stopped doing the things I usually did, stopped looking for fun, avoided spontaneity; all I wanted was to prolong the relationship, half the things we agreed not to do were in order to prevent a relationship supernova; we played boring relationship chicken.

She was my first love and in someways my last, I'm scared I'll never find anyone like her.
As an opportunist I regret not doing some great things together but as my first love, I sincerely hope she's happy.
I really needed this, I needed to tell her this but I don't want to talk to her again.

Thank you for reading everyone.

Aug. 29th, 2014

I discovered this community and the concept of demisexuality yesterday for the first time, and it felt like a light going on to finally have found something that describes my experience so exactly. I was wondering whether anyone in this group might like to be LJ friends; I would like to opportunity to get to know some people who are like me and get what it means to be demisexual, just for the feeling of not being so alone and not feeling such a freak compared to most of the more sexually normative people I know! I have some bio info in my profile, and am happy to answer any questions anyone has to determine whether they'd be interested in friending me or whether we wouldn't get on (e.g. for example I know some people don't like children/family posts and I am married and have three kids, so if mentions of family in daily life updates etc might annoy you, you might not wish to friend me etc).  

Depression After Sexual Things

Hi there all, I'm new to this website and this community, but I basically joined because I having recently realized I identify as a demisexual and wanted to see other people's stories and issues regarding it.

I do have a question though, does anyone expirence depression after sex or sexual acts? I've been dating the same person for over 2 years, and more often than not I get extremely depressed after we...yeah. Is this a demisexual issue? Or is something else? I hate the feeling, it causes me to break down to tears and physically shake (sometimes immieatly after, but usually not until I'm alone), but at the same time I don't want to say no to my boyfriend. Does anyone have any advice?

Tentative Searches

I have identified as demisexual for about a year now. Originally I felt relived feeling that I finally had words to talk about myself... but lately (having few fellow demis to talk with) I have been feeling a lack in peace I once had concerning my sexuality. I posted this in the lonerwolf thread just yesterday:

"I think of sex and it just makes me… sad. I love the idea of kissing, but I don’t know that I have ever enjoyed kissing anyone. I have been aroused by thoughts, or from pictures of half naked (note the HALF part) men. Stranger still, I find the idea of men being in love with each other sexy. Maybe I have just spent too much time in the shoes of a gay guy (long story). At the same time, sex on TV or in movies makes me so uncomfortable I start feeling sick. I have been identifying for about a year as a demisexual straight female, but some times I don’t know. I am totally female (though there are times I wish I had been a boy, I don’t want to change that at all), its the rest I wonder about. Demis are viewed as more asexual or at least being under that umbrella. Thing is I DO have plenty of sexual drive- even just seeing someone across the room. I can see a guy (like those half naked ones I mentioned before) and think “Oh god- I wanna have his babies… ALL OF THEM!” its just…. maybe I only think I do. Maybe what I want is to just be in love, but I’d prefer it to be with someone attractive to me. So I guess…. since its a spectrum and everything I m allowed to say that I am a demi who likes pretty guys? That I am a demi who loves muscles and, hell, even women’s hips now and then (we are pretty hot)? I guess… I haven’t fit in for so long…. I don’t really know how to so even in the Demisexual community I haven’t connected because I don’t want to find that I am still alone."

The response I got was that I am not what I feel I am. I don't blame the person, but it hurt my feelings as someone who was hoping to hear something encouraging. It sort of puts me off trying to connect with others over sexuality, but I know community is important. I fit with a lot of the Demi definition, only now and then I think someone is hot and I like looking at them ( note I say LOOKING). If I were in a room with the hottest guy I could think of I would vomit before I could make out with him. The idea of casual sex- even casual make out sessions makes me feel ill. That doesn't mean I don't like looking at people. Am I just still a freak then? Maybe demis are legit and I really am just broken? I am really hoping to connect with someone and gain some sort of peace back on this.

Demisexual with a Sexual Partner


My partner is Heterosexual and I am pretty sure I am demisexual. I've been trying to understand the idea of casual sexual attraction. I imagine seeing people as sexually attractive in almost any setting as very overwhelming and distressing. We are very open with each other but it turns my stomach a bit when she talks about a hot guy in some context (saw at the store, or an actor's picture online) I'm not the jealous type, so i just don't understand these feelings and hope maybe someone can give a good anecdote or example of how casual sexual attraction feels :/.

Because to me sexual attraction is like BIG and it's jarring to have her tell me about all these other people she thinks are hot and/or she would enjoy sex with them. I trust her completely but I think it would alleviate my stomach to understand her attraction better because I know she's not about to run around on me, but my stomach doesn't seem to get it.

thanks in advance :)

Variations on Demisexual?

So, I happened to come across this term, and immediately recognized that there was a lot of truth in it for me, but I can't find a term for what I'd call 100% accurate. To my understanding it means that an emotional connection precedes strong physical attraction, but for me it is more a matter of a spiritual connection preceding an emotional connection, preceding strong physical attraction. Does anyone know if a term for Spiritual>Emotional>Physical exists?

FINALLY, a term that applies

Hi everyone...

My name is Melissa. And OMG, I'm so excited to join this community because I JUST read about demisexuality like 10 minutes ago and I have SUCH a feeling of relief that there is a word to describe what I am!!!! My whole life, I've felt so out of place because I had these long term relationships with people some of which I was in love with and some of which I regarded as more like good friends and I hadn't really experienced sexual feelings for any of them. And then in just one instance of time in my life, I made a friend. It wasn't a romantic relationship but it wasn't completely casual either. We were dating and I liked him a lot (not love, cause I didn't know him long enough or well enough to love him) but anyway somehow, something in our interaction woke up those feelings for me and it was great. I was more sexual than I ever thought I could be. In fact, I thought that somehow we'd end up murdering each other with sex LOL. Anyway, he turned out to be a totally different person than I thought that he was and I was quite emotionally scarred by the end of it. I haven't had sex or dated since. Its going on 3 years now. Anyway... hi!!! I'd certainly like to friend people in this community so hollar at me if you feel so inclined.

Looking for a Mate

I only just found livejournal a few minutes ago, so I'm not really sure what the etiquette is on this site. Sorry if it's in bad taste to make a post just about wanting to find a girlfriend. That's probably the only reason I would ever use this site, because I don't really identify as a demisexual (although I certainly fit the description) so I'm not really interested in a community.

I have numerous issues getting close to potential partners, but I think being demisexual might be the biggest issue, so I figured I would try looking for other demisexuals. The next biggest issue is probably that I am kind of asocial, in that I don't enjoy doing things with other people that I would not also enjoy doing alone, and that I usually don't care about anything that does not require direct engagement. So between those two things, that means I don't care about spectator sports, gossip, knowing things about cars, TV (it difficult for me to be passively entertained), bars, restaurants, etc. On a date I would enjoy doing things like canoeing, horseback riding, climbing, visiting a park or museum, or having a conversation about some topic that I or my partner is knowledgeable about.

So as you might be able to guess from the above description, I have never “clicked” with anybody, and I don't expect to. I don't expect to be understood by anybody either, even if you've known me for a long time. But I would like to have some sort of reliable female person in my life who accepts me, and with whom I can do cool things, and have interesting conversations. So I'm hoping some woman on this site will PM me, and that we will chat, and get to know each other better, and then meet in person, and then form a relationship, etc, etc. But naturally PMing me isn't a commitment to anything, 'cause we might not be compatible. Probably at the start of the relationship I would act like I was asexual, but I am capable of becoming maddeningly horny around people I feel comfortable with (if I liked you, I would probably insist on sleeping in a different room unless you were willing to have sex, because otherwise I could not sleep). I think this confused my first partner, so she thought that I was trying to manipulate her into having sex, and she dumped me a week after telling me that she loved me. I was very confused and it hurt me a lot, and that, among other experiences, has made me kind of sore with respect to trying to fall in love again, so please be patient. I don't really enjoy flirting the way most people do it either (one reason is that women usually start to play hard-to-get before I even know enough about her to decide whether I am willing to work that hard to get her). And it is absolutely necessary that you make your intentions and expectations clear at all times! Please don't make me guess!

I am an engineering student now (I think it is a lot of fun), and I will graduate in about a year and a half, and if I meet somebody I would like to live with by that time, then I'd be willing to move to most places within the western world in order to be with her. However, I'd prefer to meet in person at least once before doing that.

Women in the real world always expect me to do all the work, so I'm afraid that maybe no woman will message me even if I managed to make myself attractive. But can you please just take a chance if I seem at least tolerably suitable? How are you supposed to find your soul-mate if you live your life letting other people guess what you want? I'll consider anybody who PM's me, but I'd prefer an introverted lady roughly my own age in possession of a healthy body. I think women with special interests or skills are hawt, so if you have one of those, monologuing about it in a PM would be an acceptable way of beginning a conversation.

Appearance-wise, I'm 5' 10” (178cm), have long, thick, brown hair, greenish eyes, and weigh around 180lb. I'm more fit than most people who aren't athletes, but less fit than most people who do call themselves athletes. My understanding is that I'm kind of hot, but that's based on how girls treat me (they usually seem to like me better before I open my mouth).