Just wanted to intro myself. I'm a 35 year old hetero male and just found the term 'demisexual' just over a week ago. It's feeling like an incredible revelation. I work as a Counsellor and had some in the past which I worked on. I've had many messy relationships romantically. The last one absolutely tore me to shreds. I feel like somehow now I know this loads of things make so much more sense to me. I feel like I can build greater esteem in me now. In all romantic relationships I felt like I lost myself. ive felt so weird and confused and not knowing what I want and never have anyone who enhances my life but just takes. I feel now I can really build my own self love in a way I couldn't before and know more im worthwhile and see who adds to my life. happy to have found this :) look forward to being part of this community :)
I'm so happy I found this community, though I'm not sure how active it is but after. after the squabble I got itno today, in another group, long story short, because I'm essensially straight, and not part of the LGBT community and I'm not allowed to talk to them since...I'm not gay, lesbian or trans...(if you want to read exaclty what happened without stepping over bounderies and offending anyone feel free it's in my journal and private).
Now on to the introduction shall we? Since I figured I'm new. We actually have something in common, and of course we all know there's degrees of demisexuality. Which I'll breifly cover after I get the fomal introduction done incase anyone wants to add me, for some odd reason (if you're like nuts or something).
I'm Ollie, it's not short for anything I'm 30, live in Chicago with my wife, I'm an alt/goth model and photographer, I find both as an escape. I also love parkour/free running, fell in love with it, in it's birth place to be honest, I also am a bit odd and I play frisbeel I'm also quite nerdy, I won't hide that side of me, while I'm here, I love old school video games, Mario, Donky Kong, and I do have a plushie yoshi collection and sleep with one of them (haha!),
As you could possibly guess I am a metal head. I love metal. I guess maybe, Iove lost my self in music and my hobbies before people, (half joking)
On to the how I knew I was demisexual. I had my fair share of girlfriends when I was younger, haven't we all. I think I had my first when I was 14. But I found the idea of sex, kind of odd. I didn't feel like it was right. When I reached the age of 17, we all know how peer pressure gets to every one, cashing in their V card, I figured, that since I was with the girlfriend I was with I'd force myself to do it. Losing my "card" was the weirdest feeling ever, it's like if you forced Play-doh through one of those play-doh presses, not right. I tried, I really did. I tried it another time years later with a girlfriend, nah same thing happened, with many girlfriends in between.
You all know the feeling 'You're not accepting my advances,' moving to slow, it either ends in them cheating, once in my own bed. Of course the neighbors thought I was some kind of weirdo, They got the "You're a f***ing whore," and her going, "We've been together three months and we haven't even had sex." Well...what do you want me to do.
It's kind of funny, a sense to me, and almost ironic, maybe a male I expect that's what women would like, "Learn about me" instead of getting in my pants. Not have sex, quickly, and no, we all know it's not the way I thought that's how it goes, I just didn't feel that way. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? I'm actually a romantic schmuck. Flowers, I can cuddle, give backrubs, infact I love giving them. I honestly kind of gave up. There's nobody.
Though you know, my story obviouly didn't end like that now that I'm having a daughter.I do have sex, and I'm not afraid to be intimate and it's okay. I realized my "sexual bank account" I saw a T-shirt from Human.com that basically said it best, "My anaconda might want some after we've established a deep and emotional bond, hun." It's exactly how I've felt, I the two girls/women I was with, I wasn't emotionally connected with and obviously neither my girlfriend, it was just not there. Nobody gains emotional connection in two to three months. I'm just kind of lucky in my case my wife at the time was fresh out a relationship and needed to gain trust in men again (not lucky that she was hurt emotionally by men but that she needed to understand that I wouldn't be a complete asshole and use her) so it was a good reason we met (I met her playing frisbee, call it fate that I somehow didn't know how to throw it that day and my friends asked me to retrieve it). I needed someone who understood my battles.
So yeah. Nice to meet you other people :) and hopefully some of you people are still active. Hi!
- Current Mood: content
I'm 17 and have identified myself as demisexual. I've always known that I'm not attracted to people in general and even the word "sex" grosses me out. I will admit anyone who I've felt strong connections for I would be willing to be that intimate. Though, I'd like to note that I have no sexual experience.
Currently I'm with my boyfriend who is sexual and we've been dating for long time... But, he makes remarks about other women especially when his best friend is around ... And I know it's normal for him to be attracted to others but I don't understand. Logically I know that if it weren't for the sex drive there wouldn't be a human race to begin with. But emotionally I can't fathom this and can't comprehend how one can be attracted to someone else that they don't love. And that they would be willing to have sex with one they don't love is also hard to believe.
I love him very much ... I'm just not sure how to deal with this. I could just be over thinking it. Who knows >.
My feelings towards her were never really sexual in nature. Sure, I would entertain my baser desires from time to time (I'm only human), but the extent of my fantasies about her usually involved me and her laying in bed (fully clothed and above the sheets) eating junk food and watching Star Trek while we argue over who the better captain is. Being alone with her for all of five minutes would usually be the high point of any given day, even if we were sitting 20 feet apart. Sex wasn't, and still isn't, something I really wanted from her, though holding each other and kissing sounds like the perfect level of physical intimacy I would want from a relationship with her. Still, I found the idea of being with anyone other than her to be impossible, that we were destined to be together forever. Though I tried to get over her by limiting our interactions to an absolute minimum (we still had to work together), making eye contact would be enough to rekindle the fire that I was desperate to put out.
Now, here's the real kicker; fast forward to just yesterday and she reveals to me that she has begun to identify not only asexual but aromantic as well. Her "boyfriend" was more or less her just trying things out, even though she couldn't really feel any meaningful connection in the end. She described to me what a relief it is to know that there were terms to describe people like her. I had always held on to this tiny thread of hope that there was some combination of words or some grand gesture waiting for me to discover that would win her heart, so learning that everything I had done over these four years was a complete waste of time, money, and effort has left me feeling lost and so completely helpless.
This cruel irony that I should find myself only able to be attracted to someone who can never return my feelings has taken a toll on my mental well-being. I need to know if anyone else out there has had similar experiences and how you got through them. Since I'm new to this world of demisexuality, I want to know if there is a way to keep our friendship while also putting an end to these feelings for her, or if my romantic attraction to her will only go away if the platonic connection that started this whole mess were to end and remain buried. I don't think it's fair to her that I should put an end a meaningful (though turbulent) friendship just so I could have a shot at not feeling so hopeless and alone, but don't I deserve a chance at being happy?
Thank you for hearing my dilemma and sticking with me until the end.
- Current Mood: distressed
Well, a bit about me, I'm 22 male demisexual(?), sex drive wise, it comes and goes. I'm extremely curiosity about sex but I'd never want to do the act with someone I didn't truly love.
I belong to a broken household, arranged marriage always fighting over nothing, passed off as a youth to be raised by randoms due to long work hours, so I don't really get on well with my folks yet somehow their traditionalism has influenced me; I am inclined to pursue girls and play house until death parts me.
(No need to feel pity, I've never been growing up any other way so chaos just seems normal to me).
So, it's been 3 weeks since my relationship broke down, she somewhat cheated and realised that she was in love with another. I don't believe in the heart having a mind of its own or soul or anything like that but it's a horrible physical pain in my chest. Although my mind has forgiven her, my heart has not.
Sorry, a bit more back story to this, I've known her for 5 years, 2 of which I never even realised that I liked her, so for that third year, I was utterly infatuated. It was a build up of positive emotions when we were friends before, but after the third year I could no longer hold in my feelings, I scheduled to meet when she'd be free, before and after her charity hitchhike but somehow she excused herself. The day of intended meeting was met with an adrenaline filled sleepless night, denying the meeting meant I told her over text, should have called, I loved her since I couldn't hold it in any longer; the urgency was palpable.
It was no relief and no closure in telling her, I couldn't bear it if she didn't love me; she would not say and couldn't be with me. I felt enslaved to belonging with her. So I enforced an embargo of contact, 8 months after she tired to reconnect and again, I was still lovesick so another 8 months until I vowed to end all contact during that time.
This time she stepped forward to find me, to prevent me from leaving her life.
We were casually dating long distance but there were times I convinced myself I would be with her forever. She has always wanted to travel and find herself. I was very liberal with dealing with freedom apart from fidelity. We barely had anything in common, but our minds were similar.
We became settled, played house for far too long, that when the distance became no matter our relationship was a mechanical routine. I stopped doing the things I usually did, stopped looking for fun, avoided spontaneity; all I wanted was to prolong the relationship, half the things we agreed not to do were in order to prevent a relationship supernova; we played boring relationship chicken.
She was my first love and in someways my last, I'm scared I'll never find anyone like her.
As an opportunist I regret not doing some great things together but as my first love, I sincerely hope she's happy.
I really needed this, I needed to tell her this but I don't want to talk to her again.
Thank you for reading everyone.
- Current Location:United Kingdom
- Current Mood: amused
I do have a question though, does anyone expirence depression after sex or sexual acts? I've been dating the same person for over 2 years, and more often than not I get extremely depressed after we...yeah. Is this a demisexual issue? Or is something else? I hate the feeling, it causes me to break down to tears and physically shake (sometimes immieatly after, but usually not until I'm alone), but at the same time I don't want to say no to my boyfriend. Does anyone have any advice?
- Current Mood: distressed
"I think of sex and it just makes me… sad. I love the idea of kissing, but I don’t know that I have ever enjoyed kissing anyone. I have been aroused by thoughts, or from pictures of half naked (note the HALF part) men. Stranger still, I find the idea of men being in love with each other sexy. Maybe I have just spent too much time in the shoes of a gay guy (long story). At the same time, sex on TV or in movies makes me so uncomfortable I start feeling sick. I have been identifying for about a year as a demisexual straight female, but some times I don’t know. I am totally female (though there are times I wish I had been a boy, I don’t want to change that at all), its the rest I wonder about. Demis are viewed as more asexual or at least being under that umbrella. Thing is I DO have plenty of sexual drive- even just seeing someone across the room. I can see a guy (like those half naked ones I mentioned before) and think “Oh god- I wanna have his babies… ALL OF THEM!” its just…. maybe I only think I do. Maybe what I want is to just be in love, but I’d prefer it to be with someone attractive to me. So I guess…. since its a spectrum and everything I m allowed to say that I am a demi who likes pretty guys? That I am a demi who loves muscles and, hell, even women’s hips now and then (we are pretty hot)? I guess… I haven’t fit in for so long…. I don’t really know how to so even in the Demisexual community I haven’t connected because I don’t want to find that I am still alone."
The response I got was that I am not what I feel I am. I don't blame the person, but it hurt my feelings as someone who was hoping to hear something encouraging. It sort of puts me off trying to connect with others over sexuality, but I know community is important. I fit with a lot of the Demi definition, only now and then I think someone is hot and I like looking at them ( note I say LOOKING). If I were in a room with the hottest guy I could think of I would vomit before I could make out with him. The idea of casual sex- even casual make out sessions makes me feel ill. That doesn't mean I don't like looking at people. Am I just still a freak then? Maybe demis are legit and I really am just broken? I am really hoping to connect with someone and gain some sort of peace back on this.
- Current Mood: distressed
My partner is Heterosexual and I am pretty sure I am demisexual. I've been trying to understand the idea of casual sexual attraction. I imagine seeing people as sexually attractive in almost any setting as very overwhelming and distressing. We are very open with each other but it turns my stomach a bit when she talks about a hot guy in some context (saw at the store, or an actor's picture online) I'm not the jealous type, so i just don't understand these feelings and hope maybe someone can give a good anecdote or example of how casual sexual attraction feels :/.
Because to me sexual attraction is like BIG and it's jarring to have her tell me about all these other people she thinks are hot and/or she would enjoy sex with them. I trust her completely but I think it would alleviate my stomach to understand her attraction better because I know she's not about to run around on me, but my stomach doesn't seem to get it.
thanks in advance :)